Happier than I've ever been!!!

I went to dinner tonight with my cousin, her husband, and a friend to celebrate the fact that I am newly employed (Yay!), and the conversation drifted to a question that my cousin asked... "So, Nea... Did you ever think that we'd be here doing this?? That you'd be sitting in a restaurant, in Arkansas, with us, celebrating the fact that you are employed after only being here 3 weeks??"

Well............... No, not THAT exact scenario~ But when I got to thinking about it, I was somewhat taken aback that my answer was still no. It surprised me because I realized that I had always dreamed I would be, but never believed or thought I would be. (And please suspend your disbelief that I dreamt that I'd someday end up in Arkansas of all places... I know how it sounds, but there are reasons, and it's really a lot nicer than your likely predisposition. But- I digress.) I dismissed the idea as something I'd never be able to do. I was not ambitious enough or not smart enough, or didn't have enough support, or I'd never be able to save the money to afford the move, etc. There was always some voice in the back of my head saying I'd never be good enough in one area or the other to do whatever it was that I really wanted to do. A crippling self-doubt. A heap of lies. Because here I am tonight, in Arkansas, having just gotten back from a nice dinner, with people I love, celebrating a great new job with a lot of promise, having only been here 3 weeks. *Contented sigh of relief* I'm here! I made it! And I did it on my own; to cherry it up!

I'll admit that leaving California was one of the hardest, stressful, saddest, and scariest thing I've ever done in my life. But it really is true, what they say- The best things in life are worth fighting for. I wouldn't say that I had absolutely no one agreeing with my decision to come out here, but I also won't say that I had everyone backing me up 100% either. But the fact that I didn't have 100% support was a big deal for me. I'm the kind of person (or should I say I was? I'm not sure yet on that one... I'll let you know when I am.) who found it extremely difficult to do things on my own terms. I am (or was. still not sure.) always afraid of disagreement or (god-forbid) disappointment of a second, or even third party. And I know it doesn't make much sense to be like that because who can please everyone without exception, I mean really? But it didn't stop me from allowing the fear in. I thank God everyday for the kind of people and the resulting conversations that He put in my life at the exact moments that He did. If not for the instruments of guidance that they were, I don't think I ever would have found a loud enough voice of mine to make the decisions that led me out here, or in some cases, the means to do so. To those of you I'm speaking of: you know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I love you.

I can say now, without a shadow of a doubt, even considering the amount of tears that fell, the number of times I changed my mind, the arguments, the wondering "will this work?", and the sacrifice (relational, physical, and material), it was all worth it. Every second I battled to get here was worth the feeling of assuredness that I did a great thing for my life and faith that I am experiencing everyday. I can't remember a feeling of joy as strong as I feel it now. I am EXCITED about the coming days, weeks, and months for the first time in my life!! I feel liberated. I am happy. I am home.